Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A Letter to Pets (To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.)

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me s/he is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: in many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when they are called
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college
And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

5 comments:

Anvilcloud said...

Pretty funny, especially the first section.

Misty said...

Quite the comical post...I had visions dancing in my mind as to the examples provided.

The last part, well...as a Mom, I can admit that there wouldn't be the same kinds of worries. But, I'd like to point out that there are quite a lot of advantages in having children, my favorites being that (1) the children are a constant source of entertainment, (2) that no matter what our age we can be as silly as we want to be and get away with it, and (3) that we have the best opportunities and motivation for growth, to be better people.

Miss 1999 said...

*LOL* This is SO great!! And saddly, so true *L* I think I might have to borrow this. I have some friends and family members who can SO appreciate it! :0)

Janice said...

Hi Dave,

Yeah well, they can also break your heart almost as much as the furless verity too.

Janice~

Granny said...

I don't have any dogs but I sure have cats. Truer words were never spoken.

Janice is right too though. Our youngest kitty died last week. Children bereft - me too.

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
English student, Pottery enthusiast, Yoga novice and lover of all people. I make friends over a warm handshake and a beverage. I discover, every day, someone willing to help me along my path.