Friday, December 29, 2006

A Week At the Gym

...a story many of my readers, I'm sure, can relate to - whether they go to the gym or not... enjoy!

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

Started my day at 6 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess – with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a fantastic week!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made a full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I promptly sank.


I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And of you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%# barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a vasectomy, (without the anaesthetic).


pissed off patricia said...

You told this story just wonderfully. I loved the way your feelings toward Belinda changed as the pain increased.

You made me laugh at 6:46 in the morning and that's not my best laughing time.

Turtle Guy said...

Er... I cannot take credit for the writing... this is a bit I had handed down to me and thought it would be cute to share.

I'm glad you got a chuckle out of it though!

ipodmomma said...

have a happy new year!

Misty said...

Personal trainer...not for me either. I'd rather set my own goals and limits. Interesting how exercise is supposed to produce endorphins (exercise), but can also turn a goddess into a b....! Gym memberships are a tricky gift.

I know a Lars who is a personal trainer, go figure!

Miss 1999 said...

Thanks for giving me the best laugh of the day! Best wishes for a brand new year! *hugs*

Badoozie said...

i recognize this...nice

Janice said...

Hi Dave,

That was the good, and I had to share it with my husband and we both laughed until we cried.

And I think I peed my pants too.


Zebra said...

This is very, very funny stuff! I wish that your gym (torture?) sessions were less painful but you gave people a good laugh! I think you should switch to long walks or something!

About Me

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
English student, Pottery enthusiast, Yoga novice and lover of all people. I make friends over a warm handshake and a beverage. I discover, every day, someone willing to help me along my path.